mirion technologies: Growing Home: Don't You Know What Causes That?!

Friday, August 10, 2012

Growing Home: Don't You Know What Causes That?!

?Don?t you know what causes that?? asked the man at the grocery store, as he counted heads.

It took me by surprise, because I only have five children. ?Don?t you know what causes that?? I began to ask myself, as I mulled over the question in my head. Yes, I DO know what causes this. But do you? Do you really??

While I?m from a large family and looked forward to motherhood, I decided early on that we would have a perfect-sized family with three children. By the time we had our third child, I didn?t have peace over taking permanent measures, but felt pressure from others that we needed to do something. While it took a while to conceive our second child, our third baby was a surprise, so we still managed to have three children in three years.

At my first two babies? postpartum follow-ups, my doctor?s nurse asked if I?d like to talk about birth control. But at my third postpartum visit, there was a different tone as I was told, ?The doctor will talk to you about birth control today.??

After talking with friends and with the encouragement of my doctor, we decided to use the IUD, a decision I deeply regret.

At the time, I still didn?t have peace, but rationalized it because according to the world?s standards, I had plenty of children, my hands were full, and we?d made the responsible choice.?

Every day, I knew I?d made the wrong decision, and every day I had a reminder as the side effects became worse. It felt as though I had six months of PMS?severe cramping, exhaustion, spotting, even bleeding. One day I fell into my driver?s seat and collapsed over the steering wheel, because of the pain. That moment I made the call to have the IUD removed.

After a couple of weeks, some symptoms improved, while others worsened, but I soon felt better.

My baby girl grew into a toddler, and I ached to have another baby in my womb and arms. Motherhood became easier and I was ready for a new baby.

But conception wasn?t coming.

A year passed and nothing.

I?d developed endometrial polyps, and this was likely causing our trouble conceiving. While my doctor said there wasn?t a connection with the IUD, I?ve read several stories of women and have talked with several women who developed fibroids and polyps after receiving an IUD.

One night, I fought back tears. But I broke down, begging God?s forgiveness. ?What have I done?? I asked myself. I realized that in trying to ?control? my life, I?d actually lost control.?

After surgery to remove the polyps, I woke up in recovery crying, asking the nurse, ?Can we have a baby now?? She said we?d need to wait awhile, and the surgeon wrote a letter of infertility to help us as we pursued adoption.?

But out of the blue, on a rainy Wednesday afternoon, I learned that a child had indeed been selected for our family: we were pregnant! We were having a BABY!

When asked if we will have more children, I genuinely don?t know. Since we conceived our fourth child in March 2008, I've only had one cycle, and that's when I conceived our fifth. As of this writing (August 2012), that's a grand total of two cycles in over four years! Is this a result of Ecological/Responsive Breastfeeding? Is my womb closed? Is my body?s fertility naturally slowing? A combination?

In the end, I?ve learned that it isn?t up to us?that while we may think we know ?what causes that,? I firmly believe that God has a plan for our family. I believe that we are meant to rear these precious ones, especially our children with special needs. They?re not here by accident, but we were chosen to be their parents.??

Children are an heritage of the Lord?these are His children, not ours. We don?t own them. If there are other children God wants in our family, we are open to them. And if we don?t have more children, I would rather have the peace of knowing it was because of God?s perfect plan for our family and not the result of our leaning unto our own understanding. I don?t want the burden of standing before God and learning that there were children meant to make an impact on this world, children that would?ve thrived in our specific home, but that we rejected them.? As a Mama, I can?t imagine rejecting any of my children.

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